Clonus:  The Meezer Horror

My life was a happy life.  

I had a grate home.  Warm, safe places to sleep.  The best toys, all kinds of yummy things to eet.  A fun fursister, the best meddicul care, a loving Mommy and a millyun reezuns to purr.  Never in my wurst nitemeer wood I have suspectid my happy life wuz part of a sinisturr plot.

Yo see, it wuz a brite summer day in 2010.  The kind of day that makes a kitty jes wanna lay in a sunbeem and dreem of gurlkitties and mousies.   But on this day, this horrible fateful day, sumthing else kot my attenshun. 

You see, Mommy had bin hugging me a lot more than she usually duz.  Well, she's always grabbin me and stickin her face in my furs and making "Echo I love yoo" noises. Sometimes it gets to be a littel much for a mancat.   But this time she wuz sayin things like "Whut will I efur do without yoo?" and "I nefurr wanna live without yoo".   That wuzzint rite.  It kinda put me on alert so I wuz payin more attenshun to things around my house than I normally wood.   

So on this brite summer day I wuz making my usual rounds of the food room kownters when I came akross this:



Once I got ofur how much that kitty lookt like Daisy the Curly Cat, that's when it hit me:  Mommy wantid to CLONE ME!!! 

I ran and hid in the klosit.  When Mommy came home, I diddint even come out.  Not even for fishy flakes cuz now I knew why I wuz gittin em.  To keep me tender, yung and joosy and healthy for ... well, just read on.

The fone rang.  Mommy diddint like who wuz on the other end becuz her voice changed. 

"I don't think I can do that"  she said.  "I know it's whut I promised when yoo gave him to me, but..." 

Her voice got all choked up and her eyes startid leeking.  "He wuz so sure Governor Palin wuz prepared to be president...", she paused again and then said with an angry voice,  "Of course I love my country!!!   Tell him to lay off the fried foods and get a new heart somewhare else!  I'll go to the media if yoo try to take him, I sware I will!!!" 

She turned off her phone and threw it against the wall where it shattered into a millyun peeses.

By now I had a knot in my tummy.  I came out of my hidey hole to see Mommy stuffing klose and cans of stinky goodniss in a bag.  She saw me, pickt me up and held me tite. 

"Oh my deer sweet meezerboy", she sed, "I wuz tryin to save up the munneys to make a clone of yoo becuz I jes knew this day wood come.  But with the way health care and research is these days I...well, forgive me, but I ran out of time.  But don't worry, I'm not gonna let them have yoo Echo. They're not gonna carve up my baby for parts.  Meezer hearts shood stay in meezers, not in geezers!" 

I stared at her with big wide eyes of frite. 

"Yoo don't know this Echo, but yoo are a clone.  Yoo wuz made in a top sekrit project with his DNA so that old man McCain wood haff the spare parts he needs to live forever.   It wood be a very bad thing for our country and our American way of life if he died and Sarah Palin took over."  Mommy's leaky eyes were gitting my furs wet and she wuz holding me vary tite.  "I agreed to do this when I lived in Arizona.  John was a diffrint man bak then and I thot whut I wuz doing wuz rite.  That eleckshun changed him though.  But don't yoo worry.  I won't let him take yoo!"


Overhed we herd a rumbling.  Mommy's heart startid pounding and, clutching me in her arms, she ran outside.

But it wuz too late.  Thare wuz a black hellicopter and men in black were climbing down ropes. 

Mommy ran as fast as she kood, desprately clutching me in her arms.  Dirt and dust kickt up in the air as the hellicopter got lower to the grownd. It wuz like it wuz gonna land rite on top of us!   



Mommy droppt me and screamed "Run Echo RUN!!!!"

I was frozen with terror as one of the jack booted thugs thrust a black bag over Mommy's hed.  "Run Echo..." she repeated as the other man kicked her in the head and she stopped moving.  

I sprintid for the fense.  Just as I got thare,  a skairy man stuck his hed throo it and sed in a mean voice "Come heer yoo fleebag!  That heart is mine yoo furry littel weesul."



Presidint McCain!  I kood hardley believe my eyes.   I slapped him with my paw and raked him hard across the face with my claws.  I hisst, jumpt over the fense and ran as fast as I kood. 

I dartid between cars and trucks.  I ran a long time.  I ran until I koodint see houses anymore.  I finely collapst in sum tall grass and cride myself to sleep. 

The next few days I huntid mice and birds to survive.  Fun yes, but I wuz a lonely mancat on the run from my own govermint.  I wuz dirty.  I got rained on and chased up a tree by sum dogs.   I misst my warm house, my sisfur, but mostly I misst my Mommy.   I wandered in the country a sad and skairt littel meezer.

One nite after evading sum vishus deer I decided I koodint live another minit more without my Mommy, chin skritches and lovey purrs.  So I went home. 

The windows were open and Tenny pushed the screen out so I kood jump inside.  On the teevee wuz Presidint McCain who wuz showing off battle woonds from tangling with me.  He diddint look well at all.  It lookt to me like the skratch mite be infecktid.  

"He sure had it comin", I thot to myself.

Then I lookt at Mommy.  She wuz sitting on the sofah and she diddint look very good eether.  Mommy diddint look at me.  It wuz like she diddint know me at all and it made me sad.  Had I bin gone so long she furgot me alreddy?  Her hed wuz all wrappt up and she wuz just staring blankly at the wall. 

Tenny sed to me, "Thay took her away after yoo escaped.  She wuz gonna tell on President McCain."

"If yoo ask me Echo, runnin away wuz unAmerican and cowardly."

"UnAmerican?  Cowardly?  Tenny, do yoo even know whut thay wantid to do to me?"  I said.  "My heart!  Thay wantid to take away my heart and put it into a man who izzint even the same speeshees as us!"

"Now tell me, whut has happened to Mommy?" 

Tenny sed, "Well, like I sed, Mommy wuz gonna go to the media and blab about the cloning program and President McCain.  And we jes koodint let that happin."


"So, thay cut open her hed and gave her a la bottomy.  I don't think she'll be anymore trubble. "

"NO!"  I hisst.  "YOO BASSTURDS!!!!  WHUT HAFF YOO DONE TO MY MOMMY!" 

I jumpt on Mommy's lap.  I hedbutted her face over and over again.  I nudged her hand with my nose, I purred, I pawed at her arm and even made biskits on her tummy.  I so wantid her to wake up and cuddle me again.  I jumpt up and down on her before curling up on her vacant shell and cride a desprite meezer cry. 

Not only wuz I broken hartid, but I wuz also betrayed.
 
You see, Mommy wuzzint the only victim in this twisted and evil plot.

"Echo, thay are still looking for yoo" sed Tenny. 

When I lookt up , that's when I noticed Tenny had the same wide eyed vacant look that Mommy had.  "I've alreddy tole them yoo are heer.  Heer."

"It's heeer."

"John McCain's heart is heer...meezer hearts are geezer parts..."  she murmurred in a soulless voice. 

And overhed, I herd the familiar "phap phap phap" from the wings of President McCain's black helicopter.

It's a miracle I escaped. 
A few days later President McCain died.  The wurld wuz told he died from stress aftur having an argumint with the president of Iran.  But the trooth is his diseased heart koodint handle the strain of the infeckshun from when I skratched him.

That diddint stop President Palin from bombing Iran off the globe.  It wuz her first order after taking offise.    Then she stopped the froot fly genetic research that wuz so close to finding why children like hers were born with defeckts.  Those who protestid quietly dissapeerd.  

Parts of the country determined to be unAmerican were fensed off and Kansas became a giant interrmint camp for people who lived in big cities becuz thay needed "re-educayshun.  The American flags all had to be replaced with new ones when Alaska became its own country.   President Palin appointed Ed Kalnins "Faith Czar" and he immediately had thousands of suspected witches drowned.  Books were burned and library doors locked.  FOX became the only teevee station allowed on air and Rush Limbaugh became secratary of state to reward him for his yeers as water carrier for the Republican party.  Ultra consurvative talk show host Mark Levin wuz the only Jewish person allowed to remain in the country.

The experimints on cloning havvint stoppt so I remain on the run.  I'm currently hiding out with a number of black cats who escaped when Ed Kalnin accused them of being agents of the Devil in the "Feline Purge of 2011".  But there's still hope. 

Barack Obama has survived all 39 assasination attempts and is running for election again.  I beg you, please, in memory of my courageous mommy, please support him Tuesday.  He may be our last chance to get our country on track again and for me to find my way back to a forever home....